Trapped
by rach12793
Summary: Hermione is trapped in a loveless marriage with Ron. She dreams of the only man she ever loved, Sirius Black, returning. Little does she know that her wish may soon become a reality and with it she faces a multitude of hard decisions.
1. Chapter 1

Trapped

Hi guys, this is my first fanfic. It revolves around Hermione/Sirius. Sorry for the short chapter, this is just a basic introduction into Hermione's life. And just to clarify: all characters belong to JK Rowling, I'm just borrowing them!! Thanks go to Miranda for betaing this!

**Trapped**

I lay in bed and edged the furthest away I could from my husband. My husband. I couldn't believe what I'd done. I'd married him. Married him when I knew that I would never love him. Married him when I knew that I loved another. At this thought tears stung in my eyes. I rubbed them away ferociously. I had to stay strong. I had married Ron. I had committed to him. Thoughts of others, especially deceased others, were ridiculous. Besides, how dare I cry over such trivial matters when there was a war occurring right at that very moment? No, I didn't love Ron, but he was a good man. He was kind, caring, considerate, all the right things but just not…just not Sirius.

At that moment Ron let out a huge snore. I laughed a self-deprecating laugh. In some ways I couldn't believe that I was married to Ron Weasley. Ron Weasley who I'd loved since the age of 12, but just not in the right way. I loved Ron as I loved Harry, as a best friend who I could always rely on. Then why, you ask, had I married him? I married him because it seemed sensible at the time. Logical. I'd always relied on logic and it had always pulled me through. It was logical to marry somebody I didn't love because it seemed to be a plan as to how to forget a certain deceased wizard; I thought that as I loved him as a friend, I was certain to fall in love with him sooner or later; it made Ron happy and I cared for him; everybody seemed to think that the match worked. Even Harry. Even my other best friend seemed oblivious to how much I was hurting every second I spent as Ron's girlfriend and then as his wife.

I let my thoughts flow. They immediately landed on their favourite topic: Sirius Black. My heart ached for him. The image of him gracefully falling through the wall formed in my brain for what felt like the millionth time. Even in death he was mysterious and beautiful. I screamed inwardly at my brain to stop-to stop reminding me of him. I wished that I could forget that he'd ever existed. I loved him.

Love is pain. Love is ridicule. Love is loss of control. Love is terrifying. Love is giving in. Love is a knife slicing across your heart. I belonged to Sirius Black. I belonged to him even then, 10 years after his death. I checked the luminous numbers on the alarm clock-they showed that it was 1 AM. Yes, 10 years. 10 years to the day. I could hardly believe it had been so long. When you relive a moment every day you never feel it happened as long ago as it really did. I think I loved him since the moment that I met him. He understood. He understood the pain of isolation. I was isolated from my peers due to my book smarts- he was isolated because of a crime he never committed. I think he saw through my façade. I never let Harry and Ron see the true feelings of anger and hurt I felt due to the snide comments I received from people at school. It didn't matter whether the remarks were about my parentage or my enthusiasm- they all hurt the same. It all made me feel apart and alone, disjointed and broken. I felt broken, as though there was something wrong with me. As though I didn't function properly as a human being. I was trapped inside my own body. My spirit was trapped; I couldn't show my true self in the hostile environment of school where I had the reputation of class geek to live up to.

I couldn't tell Harry or Ron. There always seemed to be more important things going on. How could my hurt even compare to Harry's anger, fear and desperation? I never even told Sirius. I just felt that he sensed it. We didn't always get on, far from it, but I always thought that he respected me. He treated me like an adult- Sirius never mollycoddled me like a child. I respected him too. I didn't always show it. It was too painful some days when the realisation that I was in love with a man that would never ever love me in return hit me. A man who was so dark; so cunning; so energetic; so talented; and yet so broken, just like me. He was broken by the losses he'd experienced, the family he'd never had. I was broken by the adversity and the pain of carrying on in a world that seemed to hate me. There were some days when I felt like just stopping but I couldn't, ((because)) people needed me. The people who'd grown to know this fake Hermione-they depended on her and I refused to let them down.

Sirius knew the true me. I saw it in his piercing stares and his careful speech. Maybe he saw himself in me, I don't know. All I know is that the day I saw him fall through the veil I lost a part of myself. The part that kept me sane, the part that relied upon the fact that there was someone out there who understood me. But I carried on. I remained trapped in my body. I continued my acting as the fake Hermione. I did what was expected of me- I married Ron. And now I'm trapped with him, too. It's getting harder and harder to keep the act going. Every time I so much as look at Ron I feel a part of the true me die. I betrayed myself by marrying him. I betrayed Ron by marrying him. And although I know it doesn't make any sense, I feel as though I betrayed Sirius by marrying Ron.

It makes no sense. Sirius never loved me. The sense of betrayal connected to Sirius doesn't follow the logic that I've depended upon my whole life. Yes, maybe he understood me, but loved me? I hardly think so. I was just a messed up little girl. He pitied me, but that was all. I was trapped in the position of the girl who never loved or was loved in return by the right man. I was trapped.

Thanks for reading, please take the time to review!!


	2. Chapter 2

Here is betaed chapter 2- thanks Miranda. Thanks to all of you for being so supportive! This chapter is quite a bit longer than the last one but I'd still like to increase the length for future chapters. Just to make things clear, this story is AU and as already clarified Ron and Hermione are married (unhappily) and it's10 years since Sirius's death (so Ron is 26, Harry is nearly 26 and Hermione is nearly 27) and the war is still raging. Harry lives at 12 Grimmauld Place (and has done since he was 17, they all completed 7th year at the usual time) and is married to Ginny. Assume all deaths in the 4th, 5th and 6th books occurred but none of those in the 7th. Phew! Well now that's all cleared up, I hope you enjoy the chapter :D! Oh and, none of the characters belong to me (as you all know)!

**Trapped- Chapter 2**

A great wave of relief swept over me as I heard the alarm clock begin to ring. I'd been watching the hands move round the smooth circular face for the last four hours. The even beat of the clock ticking had helped distract me from Sirius. I jumped out of bed as soon as I heard the too loud BRING of the clock. I didn't want to see Ron's eyes open and look at me while I was lying in the bed, our bed; it would have made everything too real.

I was glad that the day was beginning. Harry had organised a gathering in remembrance of Sirius on the tenth anniversary of his death. There I would be allowed to grieve. It would be acceptable to cry, for this one day I could release just a tiny fraction of my feelings. Of course I wasn't going to make a scene, it was Harry's day for mourning. He was Harry's godfather-Harry's everything. I still feel guilty to this day when I remember my jealousy of their relationship. Why couldn't Sirius worry about me? Why couldn't he talk to me in private? Why couldn't he share his deepest darkest secrets with me? I could've helped him, healed him, loved him. It was a cruel thought. Harry needed Sirius. But I needed him too. It didn't matter anyway, he was gone and I was forced to keep going on, still dreaming of a man who never even loved me. A tear began to make its way down my cheek but I rubbed at it fiercely, I wouldn't cry. Even at Harry's I would have the class to be discreet. I stared at my face in the bathroom mirror and composed myself. It was time for another master class in acting from Hermione Granger, no, Hermione Weasley, that cut through me. Hermione Black would've sounded a lot better, wouldn't it?

I went back through into the bedroom and saw that Ron was still lying in bed. It wasn't the first time he'd magically turned the alarm clock off and gone back to bed. I felt consigned to the task ahead as I approached his sleeping body. I could hardly bring myself to touch him in such an intimate manner but I forced myself to do so. I shook him awake in a soft concise manner; I had got good at playing my part over the years. He opened his eyes and gave me a sleepy a smile. The repulsion that grew inside me was so strong that it took all my self- control to run from the room. The smile was wrong. It was meant for someone else, not me. But I ignored every feeling; I ignored the screaming voice in my head and returned the smile. A blade ran through me, I was lying. My whole life was a lie. Ron thought I loved him. And I let him believe it. I just let everything keep going on as though I had no control over it.

"Come back to bed, Hermione," he said with that aggravating self-assured smile on his face.

How could he? Did he not even remember the date? did he not remember Sirius? The idea of sleeping in the same bed was repulsive. For that moment I hated him. It was so much easier to blame him for all the problems even though it wasn't fair. I hated the idea of him touching me. Every time he kissed or touched me I had to wash afterwards as though to clean any trace of him from my body. I wanted to be clean from any impurities; the only man's touch I wanted was that of Sirius. My anger at him was increased so greatly by the fact that he had forgotten Sirius. It took all my effort to stop myself from screaming at him.

"I can't Ron, we have to go to Harry's, remember?"

The polite, docile response killed me. This wasn't me. This wasn't Hermione. I wouldn't just stand there and talk sweetly to him, would I?

"Oh yeah. God I can hardly remember Sirius these days." He replied.

The rage boiled up inside me. How dare he? It wasn't just about my feelings for Sirius: what about Harry? The nearest thing his best friends had ever had to a parent was dead and he didn't even care.

"Hmmmm. But Harry's still so upset about everything, we really better get going." I sidestepped the comment.

After he left for the bathroom I dressed myself with such precision it was as though I was actually going to see Sirius himself. I wore the uniform black for the occasion though I was sure that Sirius would have rather appreciated colour, I didn't want any questions. I left my hair loose and down, I thought that Sirius would like at that way, caramel curls. I left the bedroom and began pacing the hall when Ron came back through. I didn't want to see him dressing. I didn't really care about how he dressed, as long as it was appropriate. I was excited though it didn't really feel right. This was the one time of the year when I didn't have to take to waiting until the middle of the night to start crying for Sirius.

We apparated to Grimmauld Place. The whole house seemed even gloomier that usual which suited me. When we entered the house Harry was sitting in the living room surrounded by the Order. I felt my cheeks blush as I realised that Ron and I were last there. We received nods as we came into the room. Everyone seemed to realise that it was too solemn an occasion for hugs and kisses to be exchanged. For many Sirius's death represented the start of Voldemort's rise to power. We had lost so many witches and wizards since then, Sirius was a benchmark for the beginning of the end. For me Sirius's death was the end. We sat next to Remus and Tonks. My old professor looked so tired but yet so happy. He was right where he wanted to be: next to Tonks. Envy surged through me. I wished so dearly to be like them. So in love; so happy; so ready to face whatever came next even though in those days whatever came next could easily be the worst thing imaginable. I settled into my seat though I, like everyone else, felt uneasy. It was so difficult to know what to say and what to do. I glanced in Harry's direction and so that he was close to tears. I wanted someone to say something so badly; even just to shut myself off from the situation, to shut myself off from the fact that Sirius was dead.

Remus coughed and sat up nervously before starting his impromptu speech.

"Well, I must say that when I first heard this idea of a remembrance for Sirius I thought that he'd of loved it."

Remus chuckled in a nostalgic manner. I so badly wanted to know which of the many memories of Sirius he was reminiscing over. I desired to know everything about him even though it gave me more and more pain as I realised what a small and insignificant part of a magnificent life I was. I wanted to drink him in. The more I knew about Sirius the easier it was to conjure up an imaginary version of him.

"Sirius wanted to be remembered forever. And to be honest I think it would be difficult for any of us to forget him. He had the tendency to have an impact on lives however short a period he was involved in them. As a multitude of angry young women would have told you thirty years ago."

I found it hard to laugh at the joke. I wished to stand up and shout to the all that he'd had an impact on MY life. That it was me who understood him. That I loved him, that I would always love him. That my life felt so tedious that I only carried on for the sake of other people.

"I think that while Sirius wanted to be remembered but that he would rather be celebrated than grieved over. There's a lot to celebrate. He's the only man I've ever known that could ride a motorbike at 200 mph and dismount with his hair still perfect place. He was loved. Loved so dearly by all of us here today."

That hit home. I loved him. More than anybody would ever believe. I loved him so much that it felt as though I was splitting in two. I let the first tear trickle down my cheek. Ron gave me the look that showed he thought I was just crying at the sentimentality of it all, that is what women do after all. I looked from under my hair around the room and saw that I wasn't the only one weeping. I wished they wouldn't. None of them were hurting half as much as me; it seemed to undermine my pain. I felt a stab of guilt at my selfishness.

"Sirius spent his whole life searching for the love he never received from his family. And he found it. The fact that we're all here today is living proof of that. As boys our friendship was sealed by James, Sirius….and Peter learning to be animagi. And as men Sirius's devotion to his friends was proved by his willingness to die for James's son, Harry. And so I call a toast to our friend, our brother in all but blood and our professor in fun, Padfoot. The most loyal and most brave man we ever knew. You fought for us, you died for us and now, in return, all we can do is weep for you. I hope you know how much we loved you and how much pain you cause us. Thank you for everything."

Remus ended with a wry smile before slumping back into his seat and the group broke into applause. I joined in and gave Remus, what I hope was, a smile through my tears. I thought that he was the only one who could ever have understood my pain. As a werewolf he'd been an outcast all his life and the road to true love with Tonks had most definitely been rocky. I loved him as a friend and a teacher. His speech had genuinely moved me and forced me to think that perhaps Harry and I were not the only people in the room who had truly cared about Sirius. I felt his eyes search my tears as I gave him my look of recognition. Worry struck through me as I saw that he had realised that my tears for not purely caused by his sentimentality. Could he work it out? Was he already cursing me as an unfaithful wife? I knew that I hadn't actually committed the act of adultery but I had never loved Ron and did love another man, surely that was worse?

I excused myself from the room, telling the others that I was going to the bathroom. But I soon heard Remus's careful footsteps behind me. I knew that I would have to face him soon. I turned round to see the sincere concern in his eyes. I broke down. Tears tearing their way down my face leaving angry red blotches. I felt as though I was letting every restrained feeling go. He understood. He knew. Some unknown force must have guided me because soon enough I was held in Remus's arms crying rather pathetically on his shoulder.

"You loved him. You still love him, is that right Hermione?"

I nodded my eyes staring down at the floor so that I didn't have to see his reaction. I was ashamed, I'd always kept my feelings so locked inside and now here I was telling my deepest darkest secret to my old Defence Against the Dark Arts professor. The only thought running through my mind was: what must he think of me?

Thanks so much for reading and please, please review! It keeps me going!


	3. Chapter 3

Hey guys, sorry I took so long updating again! This is unbetaed but I will post the betaed chapter as soon as my beta get backs to me. I'm going on holiday for a week tomorrow but I'll try and get chapter 4 done soon after I get home. In the next chapter things are going to hot up a bit. I hope you like this chapter, I'm not too sure about it myself, is it a bit repetitive of previous chapters/boring? Please tell me. Also, sorry it's not longer, there was other things I was going to put in but I thought this chapter was enough on it's on. Will definitely try to make sure next chapter is 2000 words!

**Trapped-Chapter 3**

Ron slammed the door behind us. He turned to face me, his mood was written all over his face in the form of a scowl. I wasn't quite sure how to address the situation: was his surliness caused by mine and Remus's suspicious hour long disappearance or the length of the remembrance going on a little longer than expected-it was now 2 AM. In all honesty I didn't really care- I couldn't be bothered with Ron's moods, this was the first time in ten years that I'd felt anything close to contentedness and he was not going to spoil that.

After a somewhat turbulent beginning Remus and I soon sank into an odd comfortableness with our new relationship-dynamics had most definitely changed: we were never going to be simply teacher and student again. We were sitting on the cold, hard dark wooden floor with our backs resting against the dingy grey walls Sirius had hared so much. I looked at him uncertainly the question I was asking so loudly in my head would be repressed no longer.

"What do you think of me now Remus? You must think I'm an awful person, a terrible wife."

He looked intently at me with those eyes that had seen so much. In many ways it was hard to belief that I loved someone who would have been the same age as Remus, he appeared to have seen and done so much.

"Think badly of you. Hermione, if anything I think badly of myself. I've known that something wasn't right with you for so long and I've just kept it to the back of my mind where it was easiest to store and forget about. You needed somebody to talk to you, somebody to see that you weren't happy and I did but I just ignored it. I am so sorry for that. I hope you can forgive me. Hermione, I have to ask, why did you marry Ron? It must eat you up inside."

It was tragic yet it made me, for a moment, deliriously happy. Somebody understood. Finally someone to talk to, someone with whom I could share the secrets that had been locked inside me for so long. And he didn't think I was despicable, he didn't hate me for everything.

"I had to Remus. It was what people expected of me. It made sense. I've playing this part my whole life, Remus, people just presume that I'm happy with my books and academia, that I don't care that I'm a complete outcast. No body's ever connected with the true me. Except for Sirius, and even then it was a silent understanding; sometimes I think I imagined it. I married Ron because I thought it would make him happy. I even thought that it might eventually make me happy. I knew that I couldn't love Sirius forever; I thought that I would fall in love with Ron eventually. I never did. I never fell out of love with Sirius either. I'm sorry, I know he's your best friend and you probably don't want to hear all this but...you're the only person I've ever shared any of this with and I just feel like I have to let everything out."

By the end of my explanatory monologue more tears were threatening to escape from my ducts but I refused to allow them access to my face. I looked at his face, waiting to see his judgment but all I saw was sympathy and regret.

"Hermione, you know that it wouldn't have been weak to have said anything about how you felt."

"Of course it would've been, imagine complaining to Harry that I felt like an outcast and as though no-one understood me. He's an orphan, he's got a prophecy to fulfill and he's been marked out by the most evil wizard of all time since he was born. But no, I feel like I'm alone and broken; they don't exactly compare." I replied exasperatedly.

"Hermione you're eventually going to have to start thinking of your own problems instead of everyone else's. That's what's got you here-you just letting people think you're fine. Never telling them what's wrong, never thinking you're important enough. You've grown up fulfilling everyone else's expectations and that lead you to break your heart by marrying Ron just to keep everyone else happy. Hermione, you're important. You're an intelligent, beautiful person who's been too scared to open up so you've ended up here crying to you're old professor."

"Even if I had opened up I'd still be sitting here."

"Why?"

"Because Sirius would still be dead."

We stopped talking then. Remus's arm crawled round my shoulders and for the next half hour I let him hold me while the tears which had been threatening to overflow for the last hour were finally granted their wish.

Why then, you may ask, was I happy? I was happy because for the first time in my life somebody understood. In many ways it was the silence which showed me that Remus understood more than anything, he knew that there was nothing he could do but comfort me. No words would heal the wound.

Ron turned to me and raised his eyebrows in a manner which I suppose was meant to say "God that was a bit heavy, don't you think". I didn't reply, I wasn't in the mood to play along. I turned away but the moment I did so I felt his hand on my wrist.

"You never talk to me anymore Hermione."

I felt so angry but I wouldn't say a word that meant anything, there was no point. "I'm sorry Ron. There's just so much going on. I just get home from the Order meetings and I'm ready to sleep." The lies that came out of my mouth were pathetic and each one made me want to choke.

He started to walk closer to me. I felt trapped as he put his arms round me. I wanted to run as far as I could. I was totally repulsed as I felt our bodies pressed together. The romantic gesture killed me. This was a hug meant for lovers, not friends which was all I ever wanted to be with Ron. I felt his hands start to roam my body. He was touching me, all over. His hands found my ass; my chest; my legs; it made me sick. I wanted to run. I wanted to move. I wanted to escape. I never wanted him to touch me again. His lips found mine and he was kissing me roughly; shoving his tongue down my throat. I had to respond, I had to. We were husband and wife. It was expected but it made me sick. His tongue felt like bile in my throat. Soon enough he was leading me up the stairs towards our bedroom. I couldn't resist, there was no choice. He threw me down on the bed. I felt my heart beat faster as nerves rose in me. He tore my clothes off and began on his own with as much grace as a dog in heat.

It was then that I switched off. I let him shag me. But in the end I didn't really have any part in it. He had sex with me, it was, in my eyes anyway, not something we both partook in. He touched me, he felt me but I just lay there and let it happen, we did no make love, he shagged me. That was it. It was nothing. I couldn't let it be anything because it would hurt too much.

Thanks for reading, please review, it makes everything worthwhile!


	4. Chapter 4

Here's the fourth chapter. If you don't get the glass thing, basically it's just a window Sirius can see through into his friends lives. He never sees anything particuarly personal, so he hasn't seen Hermione breaking down over him or anything. It's set around the time of the tenth anniversary gathering. Just to make it clear, this is Sirius's POV and yes, I changed to present tense, sorry it just came out like that! Sorry I took so long to write this, thanks for reviews.

**Trapped-Chapter 4**

I stare at the cold hard glass. It teases me with the hypnotic images I can see through to but am cursed to never be a part of. I should have grown immune to this, immune to the pain of watching the lives of my loved ones go on while I can only be an invisible bystander. I've been here for ten years now. I was in askaban for twelve. I've lost all sense of time; the only reason I know that today is my tenth anniversary is that through the screen that separates me from the rest of the world I saw the gathering for the tenth anniversary of my death. For ten years I haven't eaten or drank and yet I don't get ill, I don't die and I don't age. I have no idea where I am. I'm stuck in some sort of limbo between life and death. In all honesty I don't know for certain that I'm not dead, it just doesn't feel that way. The glass seems to be my connection with life, if only I could smash it. If only I could break it down into tiny shards so that I could return to the world I belong in. It won't break, not with magic and not with force. It taunts me, telling me that there is a way back but not showing me how to get there. It laughs at me. Glass can't laugh, it's an absurd, thought but in my ten years of staring perplexedly at it the glass has become my opponent in a war which I've almost given up hope on winning.

I must have spent at least the first three months hollering at the top of my voice at the people beyond my reach. At first I desperately believed, and then I desperately hoped, that they would come for me, help me, save me. They couldn't hear me. There was nothing they could do. Once again I was alone with only my own dark thoughts to keep me company. Watching people through glass like a muggle television (I'll never forget how much James and I laughed when Lily showed us one) but never being able to touch them, to communicate with them, to have them even know of my presence. I don't make any noise anymore, there's nobody to hear it. I rarely move. I simply sit and stare at the glass though it pains me to do so.

I watch Remus deliver his impassioned speech in my honour but I feel disconnected, I no longer feel as though I am Sirius. That life seems so long ago now. How can I be connected with myself when I virtually stopped living ten years ago? Remus no longer seems to be one of my oldest and best friends, he's Sirius's oldest and best friend and I stopped being him when I fell through that fucking curtain. The people through the glass no longer seem to be real people who I knew and loved, they're simply characters in a drama I cannot be a part of but am being forced to watch forever.

It's Hermione's face that I can't tear my eyes from. That girl. She's the only one I feel any connection with. Sometimes I think, or maybe I wish, that she thinks about me; dreams about me; hopes for my return. It's ridiculous, but the look in her eyes…it's as though she's communicating with me, even though it's impossible. Confusion connected with Hermione Granger: the one thing that's remained constant from my previous life to my current being. She was so difficult to understand. I still remember the day I met her. She was bossy, controlling and clever but at the same time brave, lost and helpless. I saw it in her eyes. She was a dreamer, a lost and lonely dreamer. She was confused, hurt and sad. Sad because she'd become so used to feeling ostracized that she no longer expected people to like her true character that she hid behind this massive cardboard cut-out of a bossy, know-it-all who in spite of it all had a good heart.

How did I know? I could never give you a definite answer to that question. Like I said, I saw it in her eyes, in her air- in her very being. I suppose that in a way I sensed the sadness in her. Maybe it was because I understood her. I understood that sadness and feeling of being hated more than most people ever could. I spent twelve years being one of the most hated wizards alive. I was hated by friends and strangers alike with no way of clearing my name. I was forced to live the life of a criminal in spite of my innocence. I was hopeless and trapped. Just like Hermione was then, and I believe, still is now.

From then on I felt a strong connection between mine and Hermione's souls. I watched her pain, anger and helplessness but I didn't help her. What could I do? She was my godson's best friend; any closeness between us would have been looked on as strange, wrong, even. I detested myself for getting so engrossed in her life. I rarely even spoke to her but I felt, I knew, that she sensed the connection like I did. I should have broken it, ended the relationship though in reality there was no relationship to break. I didn't do anything. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the closeness with another person. Even though there were no physical or verbal displays of affection I was aware of a growing closeness between the two of us. A caught look, a shared smile, a second of skin brushing on skin- they were all small gestures but in the looks and brief touches there was deeper significance. Hermione had never shown her true self to anyone yet through looks and touches she was peeling of her mask for me. It was terrifying and tantalizing at the same time. I knew that I was getting in far too deep. I knew that I should remove myself from Hermione's company. It was wrong; she was sixteen-not even a year older than Harry. Yet throughout the holidays she spent at Grimmauld Place I kept our connection very much alive. I argued with myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong. How could I have done wrong, when I hadn't actually _done_ anything? I avoided it. I avoided the issue. Even though I knew that I would end up hurting Hermione. She was falling for me. I told myself that the thought was ridiculous but I knew it was happening. It was because I was the only one who'd ever seen through her mask. That was the only reason for which I could fathom her having feelings for me. Did I reciprocate? Was that why I never stopped returning her looks and touches? No, I couldn't have done. I just enjoyed the closeness, that was all. I thought I was helping her. She needed someone to understand her.

And then I ended up here and now all I can do is watch her through perspex which I'll never be able to get through. I see Hermione, Harry, Ron, Remus and other members of the order. I see them going about their daily lives. The person shown through the glass changes ever few hours of so, depending on what mood the glass (or the person/creature who controls it) is in. I never see personal things, just daily routine activities: brushing teeth, visits to Diagon Alley (not so much anymore since the escalation of the war). I tend to always see meetings that involve several of the people who's lives I'm an avid viewer of. I never miss Order meetings. I can watch them but never take part, kind of a sick joke. I wish I could help them. I want to jump into battle so much. I'm so angry, so constrained in this dark room with nothing but glass. I want to hurt people. I want to take it all out on someone. I have to do something with all this rage, but there's nothing I can do. I just sit here day after day tensed up and my face contorted with rage like a child sent to their room for something their brother/sister did. Except I can't get out. I'm forced to stay here forever and I have to watch all the other kids outside playing knowing I'll never be able to join in again. I wish I could help my friends. I watch the battles, I've seen so many struck down and there's nothing I can do to help. It's like being stuck in Grimmauld Place again but so much worse because I can't even communicate with anyone.

I watched Hermione marry Ron. It was awful. I don't know why she did it. Well, in fact, I know exactly why she did it. To make everyone else happy and because it was logical. Ron was her best friend but I don't think she ever had any other feelings for him even if he did for her. She married him because everyone else thought it would happen and because she thought it would make him happy. Maybe she even thought it would make her happy. I know Hermione, she probably had this mad idea that she would end up falling in love with him, she would have kidded herself on that she believed it just so that she would make it up that aisle. She shouldn't have married him. Even on the day I could see the sadness in her eyes. She had just signed herself up for a lifetime spent with a man she didn't love. She would have to act as his wife, sleep with him, probably have his children. The idea made me so angry-the idea of her living the rest of her life unhappy and repressed into acting as someone she wasn't. How could she? How could she do that do herself? Why didn't anyone else notice what was going on? I spent the whole of Hermione and Ron's wedding day shouting at the glass for someone to look at her face. To look at her and see how she was feeling. Bride's are supposed to be radiant. Hermione looked sick.

I can't bear to look at Hermione and Ron together. It never looks right to me. Before I could see that he liked her, cared for her but he never loved her and she never thought of him as any more than a friend. Their movements were always jerky and unnatural around one another. They looked uncomfortable in their first dance as man and wife. They obviously hadn't had a great deal of practice. I could see from Hermione's face that she was flustered and embarrassed, she hated being looked at with him. After their marriage I've witnessed them growing further and further apart. Ron seems moody, Hermione withdrawn. Ron isn't getting what he wants from Hermione and he can't understand why. He's never tried very hard to find out if you ask me. Hermione seems to be completely separated from what was going on around her. She appears to spend all her time thinking about someone or something else, something she wants so badly but knows she can never have.

She deserves better than Ron. She deserves someone who loves her and whom she loves in return. Someone who would care for her and who actually understands who she is. Someone who would realise how lucky they were to hold her in their arms. How special, beautiful and unique she is. Someone who would let her, for the first time in her life, be herself. I know I would. I wish I could hold her, make it all better. Take her from him and let her flourish. Let her show that sparkling girl that I know is there beneath the shell. She just needs love. True, honest love. I could give her it. How I wish I could. If only I could get out fo this cell I would love her, cherish her and be thankful for her forever.

I think the glass just smashed.

...

Yes, cliffhanger ending!! Thanks for reading, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE REVIEW!! Will try to get next chapter out this week (review are good incentive ;)).


	5. Chapter 5

Trapped-Chapter 5

**Trapped-Chapter 5**

Ok, so here's the big chapter! The one we've all been waiting for. I just hope I didn't screw it up! All information about the department of mysteries was from the internet. If any of it doesn't fit then please tell me. I wasn't sure how long auror training took but I thought four years sounded plausible, if anyone has a definite figure then please tell me. Thanks so much for all the reviews for the last chapter. You guys are so supportive! I'm going back to school tomorrow  but I'm going to try and get this story updated on a weekly basis! Here we go…..

I sat slumped over my chair in the office cubicle that I'd been so proud to claim as my own four years ago. I'd battled through my last two years of Hogwarts after Sirius's death, throwing myself further into my work in a desperate bid to forget him. I thought that the more knowledge I stuffed into my emotionally dead brain the less space I would have to fill with thoughts of Sirius. I was wrong. The image of dead eyes and look of shock as he fell through the veil haunted me day and night. I wished that I could have saved him. I dreamed constantly of the room in the department of mysteries that was full of time turners. If only I could get there. I could turn back time and save him. I would've done anything to save him. But I never searched for the room. I was too scared, too scared of what I would find in the department of mysteries. In reality I knew there was nothing I could do. If I used a time turner something would inevitably go wrong and besides I had no way of getting to the department of mysteries. Cool logic still always won out with me, one thing that never changed. I hated being so helpless. I hated myself for the fact that this was one problem that I couldn't find a solution for. There was no book which gave instructions as to how to bring the dead back to life. All I found were dark spells which could be used to keep a living person from death. Oh yes I looked. I looked so very hard. I never gave up on him; that would've meant facing up to the fact that he wasn't coming back- something I could never do.

"I'll never give up on you Sirius," I whispered. I knew it was pointless and stupid but I couldn't help it, talking to him kept alive and occasionally I felt as though he was communicating with me too, even though it was mad.

After school I, with Harry and Ron, trained to become an auror. In many ways it was a good decision, in all honesty I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life but being Hermione Granger I was expected to follow an academic career path. Being an auror suited me well. I could get completely wrapped up in my work and pursue and catch the wizards and witches who'd had a hand in Sirius's and so many other good peoples' deaths. As Voldermort's power escalated there was more and more need for aurors but due to fear and lack of blessing from family members due to the danger involved fewer and fewer witches and wizards were applying to train as aurors. This resulted in existing aurors receiving more and more work. I relished it. I worked and worked and worked. The more I worked the less I saw of Ron and the easier it was to prevent thoughts of Sirius floating into my mind. I still thought about him every day, every hour but the pain was numbed slightly during those hours spent at my desk and out tracking dark wizards. After my four years of training I passed with honours and I have the best success rate in the whole office. I suppose that's something to be proud of but I don't really even think of it. It's my job to catch dark wizards and witches so that's what I do. The job helps heal me and in the job I help heal the wizarding world. It's a two-way deal.

I was the only person left in the office. The others had left hours ago. They didn't ask why I was staying so late. It was now commonly accepted that I would always be the first person to arrive for work in the morning and the last to leave at night. There were some nights where I hadn't gone home at all. I never admitted to it, I simply told Ron that he'd been asleep when I'd got home and had left before he'd woken up. He didn't question me, just shook his head at my over eagerness. I smiled sweetly-it was easier that way. Most nights my reasoning for staying late was to avoid uncomfortable evenings with Ron but on this occasion I hadn't been in the previous day because I'd been at Sirius's remembrance so I had had work to catch on. Though perhaps I _could_ have gone home earlier but, not for the first time, I couldn't stand seeing Ron's face. He was very pleased with himself after his shagging me the night before. He had sauntered into the office that morning and kept showering me with affection: wrapping his arm around my shoulders; grabbing my hand; pecking me on the cheek. He knew I detested romantic displays in public. In fact I couldn't stand any sort of romantic displays between Ron and myself but having him flaunt our relationship in public just made everything worse. I didn't want everyone to think we were so happy and in love not to mention that it was very unprofessional. Every time he touched me I edged away and it felt as though my skin was burning, his arm around my neck felt as though it was choking me.

I was falling asleep in my chair and was all set to spend the night in the office when I heard the sound of glass smashing as though it had been amplified several times. By all logic I should have been frightened: I was in the ministry of magic completely alone, Voldemort was once again at the height of his powers and death eaters were committing atrocities every day. But for a reason which, to this day, I still can't possibly fathom fear didn't enter into the equation. What did I feel? I don't know. At that moment all feelings seemed to leave me. All I was interested in was completing my mission: to find who or what had made the noise that had disturbed me. I n my mind I had no idea where to go but on this occasion my feet seemed to be working faster than my brain. I was standing up and walking out of the office before I was aware of what I was doing. For the first time in my life I let my instincts take over and simply decided to follow my feet. It was the strangest of sensations, having my body know where I was heading but not my mind. Again, I wasn't frightened as I presumably would have been in the situation. I felt void of all emotion, it was as though I was simply a body with no heart or brain.

And suddenly I realised where my feet were leading me. I was heading for the department of mysteries. I was walking along the long bare corridor heading towards the large dark door that blocked the entrance into the most secretive department of the ministry. I hadn't been inside the department since my heart had broken, 10 years and 1 day ago when I had been just sixteen years old. Yes I'd been tempted. Yes, I'd walked along this corridor before. But never had I even considered entering the black room lit only by blue flames. On the previous occasions when I had taken my night time wanderings along the corridor leading to the department of ministries I'd simply stood against the door and let the tears flow; but this time was different, I knew that I was there for a reason. I had been guided towards the door by some force of magic beyond my own and I wasn't going anywhere.

As I approached it the door opened of it's own accord, it too seemed to realise that I had a mission to complete. I rushed through the black room, not even needing to think about which of the rotating doors I had to walk through. Again instinct guided me and I walked through the door my feet selected without even giving the room a second glance. I glided through the door and suddenly I was right back where the nightmare of the last ten years had begun. I was in the death chamber. The room was as large as I had seen in my dreams and remembered in my brain. It was truly of gargantuan proportions, making me feel so small as the only person in the room. It was then that my instincts told me I was not alone.

I heard a whimper, not dissimilar to the sound of a wounded dog from the corner of the room. I saw him, Sirius, spread-eagled across the ground, a mess of blood with shards of glass in his hair. I didn't care. All I cared for was that he was there. He was there and he was alive. I ran to him. I ran with a ferocity and speed I had never known before. I had to be with him; I had to hold him; I had to speak to him. Tears were falling from my eyes before I had even ran the twenty metres to reach him. I saw his eyes catch sight of me and the smile etched across his pained face as he heard my loud footsteps across the chamber. It was the best moment of my life. He was there. He was finally there. And I would be able to hold him, to speak to him, to simply be with him within a matter of seconds. He'd come back to me.

"Hermione," was all he managed to stutter as I positively sprinted towards him.

They were the longest seconds of my life, those spent running towards Sirius, even though I was running faster than I thought I would ever be capable of. And suddenly I was with him. Suddenly I was knelt on the floor with my arms around him as he lay on the floor. He was laughing and I was crying as we both realised we each had what we most wanted in the world. He was back on the earth and I had him in my arms. After ten long years of suffering and waiting we had both finally had our wishes granted. We didn't speak. It would have ruined the moment. I looked straight into his eyes and the tears flowed even more freely. I had him. I had Sirius. He was back. He was with me. It felt as though my heart was piecing itself back together as I felt truly happy for the first time in ten years. My prayers had been answered, my dreams fulfilled. And in that moment I forgot that I was Hermione Weasley; I forgot that I was married to Ron; I forgot that Voldemort was at the height of his powers; for that moment I was simply Hermione holding the only man I'd ever loved when it had seemed impossible that I'd ever see him again.

I looked down at him to realise that, apart from the blood and glass, he was an exact replica of the man I'd watched disappear behind the veil ten years ago. His weight was the same, his hair hadn't grown and his clothes were those that he had been wearing when he had "died". His hand reached out for mine and I felt my heart melt as they connected.

Finally I broke the silence, "I'm so glad you're back Sirius," were the only feeble words I managed to stutter. They didn't represent half of what I felt but I had no idea of what to say.

"Well that's always nice to hear. God you've grown up, Hermione. You wouldn't be able to get me to somewhere with decent medical supplies would you? I'm bleeding all over the place." He replied.

I looked at him concernedly. There was no way that I was losing him for a second time. I worried that the injuries were perhaps more serious than I'd thought they were. Where to take him? Not St Mungos. Everyone thought Sirius was dead- they'd have had tests administered on him straight away. In the end I decided to apparate us both to Remus and Tonks's house.

Thanks so much for reading! Please, please, please review! It's a real incentive to keep writing ;) and it also helps me to shape my next chapter around your comments on what you like and what could be improved. Thanks, Rach xxx.


	6. Chapter 6

Trapped-Chapter 6

**Trapped-Chapter 6**

So here's the next chapter. I hope you like it; I'd like to think it's a bit better than the previous chapter. I was a bit disappointed in chapter 5 but think this is better. I really hope you like it. Sorry it's not a bit longer, it's only 1500, but I thought it ended at a suitable point. Sorry if I was a bit liberal with the amount of thought time Hermione got in one apparition! I just thought it was effective!

We were rushing through the air with the familiar sensation of being prodded, poked and suffocated going on in the background. I looked at him and could see in his eyes the thrill of experiencing magic for the first time in ten years. I was worried about him. I really was, I could see he was in a bad way but there were so many emotions running through my mind and body that it was impossible for me to concentrate on his injuries. I was ecstatic, disbelieving and in a state of the utmost despair all at the same time. He was back. _**He**_ was here, with me. It was impossible. It was against the laws of science, physics and magic. Even in this, one of the happiest moments of my life, my logical brain refused to turn itself off. I had wished for this. Wished for it every day since he had been taken from me and it was happening. It was finally happening. The impossibility of the situation waved over me but for that moment I didn't care. I was with him. That was all that mattered. For that moment my brain switched off. He always had that effect on me.

I knew that our journey was coming to an end, it wasn't the first time that I'd apparated to Remus and Tonks's home from work rather than my own. I didn't want the journey to end. I was safe while we were apparting. While we were apparating I didn't have to think. I didn't have to consider the consequences of my actions; I didn't have to think about what on earth I was going to do once Sirius regained full health and I was still married to Ron; It didn't even cross my mind that it was very probable that I would still remain in a situation of very much unrequited love; the thought of how the wizarding community was going to react to the return of a man we'd all considered very much dead was still locked up in the deep dark corners of my brain. For those minutes, seconds that we were whizzing through the air I was content. The most content I had ever been in my life. My arms were wrapped around all I had ever whished for and no one could hurt us. I never wanted the journey to end. I would have been very happy to remain in the limbo between one destination and another for the rest of my life. I had Sirius and there was nobody else to ruin everything. I could have stayed with my arms around him forever. But I couldn't. Sense returned as I realised where I was and what I was doing. I was taking Sirius to 15 Hillside Crescent, Remus and Tonks' house, because he needed them; he needed medical attention. I turned and saw that he was out cold. I was terrified, he couldn't leave me, not now. I couldn't stay here with him forever even though it was what I wanted more than anything.

For once I had to forget my own selfish motives. He needed help and all I could think about was myself, typical Hermione. I hadn't even considered all the others that would be so overwhelmed with joy to see Sirius, all those that _**he'd**_ be overwhelmed with joy to see. I was jealous. I only wanted him to myself. I wanted to gorge on him and engross myself in his very being. I wished that he felt the same way. I felt sick with myself for it but I wished that he didn't need anybody but me. It was then that I had to stop thinking. He needed other people; he needed them right at that very moment. I was depriving him of them. I had to get him to 15 Hillside Crescent. I willed the apparition to hurry. I willed us forward and forward and forward. Even though I desired nothing more than it to be just the two of us for the rest of time I begged the magic to be faster. He needed them. That was much more important than my own pathetically selfish whimsy.

And suddenly it stopped. The squeezing and retching stomach pains ended as suddenly as they had started. My own thoughts and feelings were soon forgotten, I had to get him to the front door. I had to. But I was panicking, he had fell out of my arms the moment we'd touched land. He was even weaker than he had been before our journey had started. Apparition was unpleasant at the best of times. But it seemed unimaginable for a person who hadn't experienced magic in ten years and was covered in deep gashes to go through. I blamed myself. If only I could have quickened the process. If only I hadn't wasted time at the Department of Mysteries. I had been pathetic. Sitting on the floor holding him when he needed help. I cursed myself for once again wasting time going over my actions instead of acting. I was turning out to be a rather terrible heroine. I performed the molicorpus charm I'd seen him perform on Severus Snape the night that I'd met him. Oh how that night changed my life. I was terrified. What if he was dying? I couldn't lose him. Not for a second time. It could only hurt more. I couldn't go through it again. I knew it was selfish but I needed him. At that very moment I needed him more than ever. All I needed him to do was live. That was all. If he could do that then I could continue living, loving and breathing.

We, Sirius's unconscious body and I, approached the house and I felt my breathing grow raspier and less controlled; my heart beat uncontrollably faster; tears streak down my face; my knees buckle. This was the happiest night of my life but the contractions (or lack of) Sirius heart could quickly change it to the worst. He couldn't die. He couldn't die not after first time round. Not after all the pain, tears and heartache. He couldn't do this. I knew he had no control over what was happening but I begged him to keep going. I begged him to keep his body running. I felt as though someone above me was laughing. Laughing at my joy at seeing Sirius. Laughing at my pain. Laughing at showing me what I so desperately wanted and needed only to take it from me the moment I grasped it with my hands. The moment I touched him. I felt mocked. I felt betrayed. I couldn't give up. I couldn't. The mocking voice could and would be proved wrong. He would live. I knew he wouldn't do this to me. He would carry on. He would.

Finally I was at the door with Sirius hovering in front of me. The security measures on all Order members homes were too great for me to even hope to get into the house without permission. There was no magic that could help me hear. So I screamed. I hollered at the top of my lungs for Remus and Tonks. I yelled that I needed them, that it was me, Hermione. It was important; I needed them. I felt like hours, days, as though I had thrown up my insides with my screaming. They finally came. Remus finally opened the door. He looked haggard-I'd obviously woken him with my yelling. He was dressed in only pyjamas with a dressing gown on. At any other time I would have been embarrassed by the scene I'd caused but for that moment all I cared was that Sirius lived- I didn't care if anyone got disturbed in my mission.

Remus saw my face before he saw Sirius. I saw his concern as he looked my properly in the face from his bleary eyes. But before I had time to say "Sirius". I could tell that his eyes had caught sight of the floating bloody mess that was his supposedly dead best friend. It was only then that I fully comprehended the impossibility of the situation. I saw the look in his eyes. The look of disbelief-the look that said "Am I dreaming?" He couldn't take in what was happening but I desperately needed him to. I needed him to do something because I knew that I couldn't. I wanted him to take care of me as much as I wanted him to take care of Sirius. I felt like a child, I was so thrown by the situation, I required the help of an adult.

I was so thankful when Remus came through for me. He didn't ask any questions. He saw the blood Sirius was covered in and realised that there was no time for questions. He looked as though he wasn't capable of speech. He simply beckoned me inside with a gesture as he pulled his own wand out and guided Sirius into the spare bedroom on the ground floor.

I really hope you enjoyed this; I genuinely put everything into it. Please review. They really are what keeps me going and give me the motivation to keep my going. Love you all, Rach xxx.


	7. Chapter 7

Trapped-Chapter 7

**Trapped-Chapter 7**

Hey guys, I'm so sorry for the delay between the previous chapter and this one. It's been 5 weeks. I genuinely would have posted earlier but there have been a lot of family problems over the last couple of weeks. My granddad was run over by a lorry 4 weeks ago and then died a week later, the week after that was his funeral. And for the past 2 weeks I've just been really busy and to be honest couldn't face writing. Just to make it clear, I'm not looking for sympathy or anything I just thought you should have an explanation as to why I've been so slow. I hope this chapter is up to scratch after such a long wait! The next chapter should be up within the next 2 weeks and I'm pretty sure it's going to be a Sirius POV. Thank you so much for all your support. Here it is….

I paced the hall silently with Tonks watching me out of the corner of her eye from the opposite side of the corridor. I knew she was watching the teardrops fall from my eyes and the thumb that seemed to be resolutely stuck between my teeth. She didn't know what to do. Neither did I. Sirius was in there with Madam Pomfrey working restlessly on him. She was the only member of the Order with any medical experience. I wished that I could help him. I knew it was mad but I wanted to be the one in there touching him, caring for him, healing him. I had to believe that that was what Madam Pomfrey was doing; if I thought, for even a second, that there was a chance that he wouldn't come out of his ordeal alive then, rather ironically, I would've stopped breathing myself. He had to live. He couldn't be taken away from me again. Not again.

I was in a state of shock. He was alive. Yet at any moment he could be taken away from me, again. In reality it was impossible that I was standing there begging for him not to die (again), but it happened. I had finally been granted my greatest ever wish. I couldn't believe it. And again the only answer to that is: but it happened. It was the strangest situation I'd ever been in. For a reason I couldn't fathom standing outside the room where the man who I loved was, hopefully, being healed when up in till that day I'd thought him dead was stranger than finding him alive after my feet led me to him. My heart felt so conflicted, I had no idea of what to do or what to feel. In one sense I was the luckiest person in the world: I'd just been granted my greatest wish, the wish that was impossible to be granted, to be reunited with the man I was in love with, a dead man. But then there was also the fact that right at that very moment it was very much possible that he was dying. For all I knew I could have been about to have him torn away from me just when he'd been back where I needed him, beside me. Not to mention that if he did come back to life the problems it would raise for me? What about Ron? In fact, more simply, and more probably, what if he didn't feel the same way about me? What would I do? Could I cope with seeing him every day knowing that I loved him but that he'd never love me in return? Could I cope if he had a girlfriend who wasn't me? It wasn't as though it was unlikely- he was _**Sirius Black**_, the gorgeous, rebellious outcast. And who was I? Plain Hermione with only her book smarts to rely on.

Shut up, shut up I screamed in my head. I couldn't think like that. I just couldn't. I had to be thankful that he'd returned in the first place. Couldn't I just be thankful that the impossible had happened? Could I not just concentrate on the good? He was here. He was here and for that moment that was all that mattered. I could think about all the other shit later.

Remus came out of the door, I couldn't immediately see his face and I felt my pulse race as I longed for his reactions to the events that had gone on behind the door. The moment I saw his expression I let out a deep sigh. He was haggard, tired but smiling. Smiling as though he couldn't believe what was happening. I guess he couldn't. As I saw his smile I felt my own mouth stretch into a similar beam. I was laughing and crying and I didn't know what I was thinking and I didn't know what I was going to do but it didn't matter, he was alive. That was the only resounding thought in my otherwise empty head: He's alive. He was alive and he was here with me. And that was all that mattered.

"He's going to be alright."

Those words were the seal on what Remus's smile had already given prognosis to. And then I let my emotions overflow through me. I slid down the wall I'd been resolutely standing against for the past 3 hours and I let the tears of happiness, shock and emotion fall from my eyes. He was here. He was here and he was going to be alright. The thought flowed through me. I couldn't believe what was happening. Sirius had returned to me. He'd come back. He'd come back to where he belonged: right beside me. I watched as Remus enveloped Tonks in a hug. She'd worried for Sirius too: she knew how much he meant to Remus. And as a single tear escaped from Remus's left eye I knew that he had missed Sirius like I had: every minute of every hour of every day. I too understood how important a best friend is. It was then that little Teddy came out of his room. Showing the heaviness of sleep that only an eight year old can posses he'd slept through the whole commotion up until that moment. Though sleepy he eyed the three of us cautiously, though perhaps with not as much surprise as an eight year old should have at the sight of 3 adults, including their father, in tears. But he wasn't a normal child, he was a child who'd been born, and spent all their life, through war. He'd experienced grief more than 5 times over what with so many relatives and friends involved in the Order. In a way seeing a child who had become accustomed to death and destruction was one of the ugliest parts of the war. In actual fact Teddy was a lucky boy- to have two parents who the order depended a on so heavily still alive after 8 years was nothing short of a miracle. Teddy looked grim- who had died this time. But as his parents broke apart his father beamed to him.

"He's back, Ted. Uncle Padfoot, he's returned."

The grin that erupted over Teddy's face was evidence enough to show how many stories he must have heard of his infamous "Uncle" Padfoot. I smiled myself at the thought of Sirius as an uncle to Teddy. He'd make a good uncle. He'd let Teddy do all the things Remus didn't and feed him chocolate until he was sick. Sirius would be able to teach him fancy, flashy moves on a broomstick that Harry wouldn't dare to. He'd teach Teddy all the pranks that the marauders had taken part in at school; in fact he'd make sure he became a true marauder all round.

"How did he come back dad? You said he was dad. He died before I was even born."

Now very much alive and, like the rest of us, full of questions Teddy seemed, again like the rest of us, confused by the joyful news.

"I don't know Teddy. All I know is that he's back and we're all very happy to see him again."

"We should ask him, dad. Maybe he could tell us how he came back and then all the other dead people can come back too."

"I think that Uncle Padfoot was just a very special case, Teddy. I don't think anybody else will come back. And I don't think we should ask him about what's happened, he's been through a lot and he might not want to talk about it."

At that moment Remus scooped Teddy up in his arms and took him back to his room, much to Teddy's complaints that after eight years it was only fair that he finally got to meet his Uncle Padfoot. Remus replied gently that though Uncle Padfoot had returned he wasn't very well and he might not be up to talking and also that "Aunty" Hermione had important things to talk to him about first. He said that Teddy should get some sleep so that he would be ready to talk to Sirius in the morning.

After Remus had tucked Teddy back in he came out into the hallway again and asked why I was still standing there.

"I didn't just want to go to barging in on him," I replied.

Remus laughed exasperatedly, "You've been waiting to talk to him for ten years, and he's been waiting to talk to _you_ for ten years, I think, for tonight, barging is allowed."

I laughed but still didn't go through the door into Sirius's room. For some reason, despite my supposed Gryffindor courage, I was suddenly scared of what I was going to find in there. I loved Sirius, I loved him so much and yet I couldn't go in to see him after ten years of being apart. Maybe it was because of my love for him that I couldn't just walk in and speak with him; I'd been waiting for the moment for ten years and then once it had come I was frightened that I would mess it up. What if I said or did the wrong thing? What if I ruined everything? What if he hated me and I'd made up this whole connection between us in my help me through the pain of loneliness?

"Go in, Hermione," Remus said gently.

At his words I walked tentatively towards the door and slowly opened it. And then I saw his face and suddenly everything was ok. Suddenly there wasn't a war raging just outside the window; suddenly I wasn't trapped with Ron; suddenly I hadn't spent my whole life pretending to be someone else. Suddenly I was right where I belonged: right beside him, right beside Sirius. His eyes were open but he had the look of a child determined to stay up to see the new year through. His eyes ached from tiredness and his body betrayed its lack of energy through his façade. I shook my head as once again I found myself laughing and crying simultaneously as I sat down on the chair next to his bed. He began to laugh to. The sound of his laughter showed what I was not quite yet ready to believe: he was alive. It was so good to hear the sound of life emit from his body. So good to realise that it was not a joke: he was here, right beside me.

Thanks for reading. The reviews mean more to me than you could imagine so please click the little purple box! Love you all, Rach xxx.


	8. Chapter 8

Trapped-Chapter 8

**Trapped-Chapter 8**

Hey guys, thanks so much for the reviews for the last chapter. So here's chapter 8, a Sirius POV which for some reason because of my strange writing also means present tense-what can I say, it came out that way! I hope you like this. Chapter 9 should be up within 2 weeks….

I'm home. I'm finally home. It's impossible. It's impossible but yet here I am, lying in the guest room of Remus's, Remus and Tonk's house. I can't believe it, I can't believe what is happening yet it's the truth, it's real. I'm free. Tears roll down my face as I realise I've escaped form a prison for the second time in my life. Once again I'm going to be with those who I love. Once again I can be with Remus, Harry and Hermione. I know it now, what I didn't know before I entered my own hell. I know that I love her. I love that I'm the only one she can confide in; I love that she's different from all the rest; I love the way she secretly suck her thumb when she's nervous. I love her. I spent all the time behind the veil watching her; watching her emotions; watching her fears; wishing I could be there. Wishing I could be there with her. I wanted and needed her. It was selfish but I was so pleased that she never forgot me. She was in pain but I didn't care because it meant that she was still thinking of me, it meant that she still cared. All the tens and hundreds of deaths later and yet she still thought of me. It was cruel and evil but I needed it, her remembering sustained me. It kept the hope inside me alive: maybe she loved me? Maybe one day I would get back to her.

She's here. She's here with me. Just as I'd given up hope on her ever walking through that door and was about to let my eyes droop into the sleep they so desired she suddenly appeared. And now everything is real. Now I truly am back in this world, it's not a dream and it's not a fantasy it's real. I'm home. I'm back where I belong. I'm no longer trapped. I'm here with Hermione and everything is going to be ok. I can't help but laugh at the whole situation, it's so ridiculous-I'm a man who has now escaped both Askaban and death. It's impossible but yet it's true. I'm here. She watches me tentatively from her seat, as though I'm some sort of ticking time bomb, as though I could be snatched away at any moment. It's terrible in a way but I'm so glad that she cares. She's changed but yet at the heart of it all she's still Hermione, my Hermione. She's grown taller, her curls have become ringlets, her cheekbones more defined- I notice every detail. But at the end of it all she's still Hermione- her eyes still hold the depth of knowledge in their chocolate brown, her hands still fold neatly on her lap and her legs still automatically cross the moment she sits down.

The real noticeable change is the change in her air. She now has the hardness and bitterness of one who's lived through war, the lethargy of one who has spent ten years fighting.

"How are you doing?" My throat cracks as I speak for the first time in ten years, regaining all the gruffness it had just after my escape from Askaban.

It's a pointless question as I know exactly how she's doing, I have been watching hers and the others lives in glass for a decade but I need to hear it from her. I need to know for sure that my interpretations have been correct. I need to hear the sound of her voice; it soothes me, reassures that she is still here watching over me, still right beside me.

" I'm getting on great, thanks. I'm in the Order, obviously…erm and I'm an auror."

She blushes as she answers my question, I can't help but be pleased that she seems reluctant to mention Ron. I hope I'm right. I have to be right- there is no way that I can watch her married to Ron. It would break my heart. She breathes in and her face turns truly scarlet before continuing.

"Oh and erm..I'm married to Ron."

Finally she drops the bombshell I was ready and waiting for. I hate that I had to ask the question- it's obvious that it pains her to talk about her marriage. She dropped the subject in casually but her fidgeting and refusal to look me in the eye gave her away. It's wrong but I'm pleased. Maybe there's a chance. Maybe I have a chance. It's mad. I'm mad, thinking like this. I've only just got back to this world and already I'm breaking up marriages. I should keep out of it, I know I should. If I get involved in Hermione's marriage then it'll only result in heartbreak for more than just me. But at the same time I know I won't leave it, I know I won't be able to just leave her to take care of her own marriage. I love her.

I feel my body droop as I continue to refuse to succumb to the happy proposition of sleep. I can't shut my eyes yet, not yet, for she is here. My saviour, my saint, my angel, my Hermione is here. I have no right to think of her as my own but I do, if it weren't for her I wouldn't be here. She saved me. I have no facts, no figures, to base this statement upon but for a reason I can't possibly begin to fathom I know that the only reason I'm lying in a bed for the first time in ten years is because of the beauty sitting next to me. I kept going for her; I knew I had to get back for her, to save her from him. She needed me. She needed me like I needed her. I'm home. I'm home right where I need to be, right beside her.

I feel her take my hand and suddenly blood rushes through me and I can feel my pulse get faster and faster. Human contact. Once again it's new and strange. I haven't been touched in ten years. Ten years away from this world. But I'm back. I'm back and she's here. She's right here with me. Suddenly I realise that I'm free. I'm free from the world of looking at life through glass. I'm in life. I'm living life. It's wonderful but terrifying all at the same time. Will I be able to live life watching my Hermione married to Ron? There I am again, my Hermione. I love her. I love her with every part of me and yet I know that I can never ever even think of showing or declaring my feelings. I shouldn't even be allowing myself to feel this way but I can't help it. I can't. I know I shouldn't push her. I know I should just leave everything as it is but at the same time I know I won't.

"Are you happy, Hermione?" even as I say it I know that I shouldn't, I know I should leave it alone but I can't.

She doesn't say anything but she never had to. For a reason I can't explain Hermione has never had to verbalise her feelings for me to understand. _**I**_ understand her. I know what she needs. I know I can help her. But at exactly the same time I know I shouldn't. I know what I'm doing is wrong. I know that even innocently holding her hand is going to lead to many more difficulties in the future but I won't stop. I'm addicted to her- the very essence of her and our unspoken connection. I need her like a drug. It's wrong. Everything about the situation is wrong even though in actual reality we have done nothing more than hold hands we both know that mentally we have connected further than we ever should have done. We understand what is going on in the other's brain. We both know what our hearts are aching for each other more than ever. At this moment our eyes lock for the first time in ten years and I can see what I've know all along-she doesn't love him. Her heart is broken, shattered nearly beyond repair. She needs someone to help her, to fix her. She needs me. And I need her but it's wrong and it can't happen. It can't. She knows this as well as I do and at this thought tears begin to roll from her eyes. Tears of bitterness, anger, frustration but most of all tears mourning something that can never be.

I can't bear it. I can't watch her go through this. I can't feel my own heart slice open as I face up to facts: she's married and while biologically I might only be ten years older now, our birth certificates state 20 years difference. For I moment I wish I was back behind the veil where the glass protected me from being in the real situation. Where I didn't have to watch her cry because of me- because of me and what I did ten years previously by not just leaving her be. I should never have been a part of her life- I should never have let her fall in love with me. I was the adult in the situation and yet I just let everything go on because I could never bear ending anything. Even now when I know that my actions can only cause more pain for the two of us I still find myself clambering on to the side of the bed and taking her into my arms to lie beside me.

We lie spread eagled across the mattress both on our backs. Her head lies on my chest, her tears running down the tattered remains of my shirt. Her toffee coloured curls lie just below my chin and they give off the aroma of innocence and youth and beauty: the aroma of her. My arm curves around her waist and I can feel her stomach rise and fall under my hand. Her breathing steadies as she lies with me. Her tears still fall but with less urgency, less pain than before. Her eyes are closed, savouring the moment. The moment that will have to be remembered forever as the only minutes we will ever share being truly together as one. We simply lie there together- it is all we need. All we need is each other and for this time we truly have one another, we are truly together.

"It's going to be alright love," I whisper in her ear even though I know it isn't true. Even know that I have just made everything worse by allowing us to have this taste of what could have been but what in reality will never be. For now we'll just lie here and wait until the real world comes along and snatches our dream away.

Thanks so much for reading. Please drop me a review, they make these dark Winter days brighter . Love you all, Rach xxx.


	9. Chapter 9

**Trapped-Chapter 9**

Dear long-suffering reader, I'm very very very sorry that I'm so hopeless and it has taken me four weeks to update instead of the stated 2. I don't deserve your commitment at all and I understand fully if you're quite irritated with me. I will state one word as a, really not good enough, excuse: EXAMS. This does not however excuse me from the treachery of 4 weeks with no update, not to mention that I said I would only take 2. I understand if you're all really pissed off with me. However, here is the next chapter which really should be longer (it's only 1500) considering the length of time but I seem to be in a short chapter grove, sorry!!!! I swear it looks shorter cause it hasn't got any speech though (sorry if lack of speech is annoying). Anyway, here it is. Hope you like it and thanks for the very much-undeserved support. I won't state a time in which chapter 10 will be out but I promise it won't be as long a wait and I will try VERY hard to make time for my writing! Here it is…..

For a moment I let it be. I let it all go and for that brief lapse in time I could just be Hermione Granger, most certainly not Hermione Weasley. It was unreal. He was supposed to be dead but there I was, lying right beside him with his arm curled around my waist. I felt waves of euphoria clashing against the overwhelming sea of melancholy that had come to reside in me since the age of sixteen. Here I was with Sirius Black, it was impossible yet it was happening. Those were the single most anticipated minutes of my life yet they were also the most tragic, more tragic than losing Sirius, more tragic than marrying Ron. Why? Why was it so tragic to finally be with the man I loved? This was the case because the enormity of what I had done was being imprinted upon my brain. I had separated myself from Sirius forever. I had married, I had conformed and in doing so I had torn myself from him forever. What was I to do now? I couldn't leave Ron. I would be taken from everything I'd ever known. I would be rejected from the Order, an outcast of my world. They all loved Ron and, of course, they all thought that I did too. How could I explain? How could I possibly explain what I had done to Ron and everyone else I had deceived in my persona-Harry, the Weasleys, my own parents? There was no way that this could all ever be explained away with hugs, kisses and heartfelt apologies. It couldn't be, it just couldn't. And even if I were to separate from Ron, how could I ever be with Sirius? It would be frowned upon amongst the others, maybe even outwardly. There was a 20-year age gap and how could I explain that I had married Ron when I loved Sirius. It couldn't happen. I couldn't have Sirius in the position of outcast for me. If I loved him then I would have to keep him free. If you love someone you'll let him go. But is that true? Could I face it? I knew in my heart that there was no way that I ever could. There was no way that I could watch him remain single and certainly not with another witch. Neither could I really face the idea of having to act as Ron's wife while he watched on. It was a lie. My whole life was a lie and Sirius was the only on that knew the truth yet I couldn't acknowledge this, I couldn't love him. I had to continue my life of falsehood. It was killing me.

I let my tears roll from my cheek onto the cotton material of his shirt. I was crying for what we had lost. I mourned a relationship that never could be. I grieved for the long conversations that went on long through the night that would never happen; the days gloriously spent doing nothing that can never be; the dark haired children that would never be born. It was wrong and it was unfair. Just as I was finally being shown that the man who I loved loved me in return I was losing everything. I was losing everything I had imagined as before it had simply been a game as he was dad and therefore there was no way that we could ever be together but now it was as though I was being shown everything I could have before watching it being grabbed from me under my own eyes. I couldn't bear it. It shouldn't have been happening. In an ideal world I would be tucked up in bed with Ron, whom I would love, not having to avoid questions about when Ron and I were going to get "sprigged up", instead we would have two gorgeous red haired children who I would love with all my heart because they were the binding together of me and the man who I loved, Ron Weasley.

But it isn't and ideal world and I didn't love Ron. I never wanted to be in his bed. I found myself constantly avoiding the issue of children. How could I have his children? An every day reminder of the huge mistake I had made in marrying a man who I could never love. It wasn't an ideal world. Love wasn't simple. It wasn't a case of meeting someone, falling in love and being together forever. It was hard and it was fractured and it was broken. It wasn't pure and it wasn't beautiful. People are constantly falling for some who they shouldn't do; someone who isn't right for them; someone who will never love them back; someone who they know is no good. Yet we do it, we do it all the time. We put ourselves through the aching pain of unrequited love and then in thirty or forty years time we look back and we laugh with our friends about how melodramatic we were; we talk of "infatuations" and smile wryly of how naïve we were. But it's all just a lie isn't it? With unrequited love having a moan and a honeydukes splurge with your friends doesn't make everything better. You sit, day after day, hoping that it will get better, hoping the ache will go away but it doesn't. You cry yourself to sleep at night but even when you dream his face surrounds you. Your day is spent with their name constantly etched on your brain. Even when you're surrounded by people you feel completely alone. The world seems empty and void of colour. Nothing has any significance anymore, sometimes you feel as though you're only going on for the sake of others. So no, it isn't something that can be gotten over with a couple of bottles of red, a good gossip and a massive bar of chocolate. It's real and it's pain and it's hard. And people who say it isn't are just trying to forget about it because, really, who wants to remember waking up and thinking that nothing matters anymore?

And even at that moment when I knew my love wasn't unrequited it didn't really matter because it would still remain very much a fantasy. That's not really true though, is it? I t did matter that I knew he loved me. It mattered more than anything else. Yes it made everything worse, it meant that I couldn't even keep myself going with the line, "He wouldn't want me anyway," anymore. It meant that I knew what I was missing. Yet I knew that I wouldn't have it any other way- I would always want to know. Why? Because it made me just that little bit less alone in the world, it meant that maybe, in a parallel universe, we could be together. He loved me. He hadn't said it but yet I knew, I recognised the look in his eyes. That desire, that fear, that loathing of the situation were all very much familiar feelings to me. Our love was tainted, doomed from the start. It shouldn't have happened, not really. We both know that. There was too much of an age gap between us; our souls were both too fragmented and broken; the connection between the two of us- he the godfather of Harry and me the friend of Harry- was too strange. But it had happened and there was nothing the two of us could really do about it. I had spent every night of the last ten years lamenting what had happened and though I had no proof I wouldn't have been surprised that he too had felt the same way. We were two lost souls who really should have tried to find someone who could find us instead of becoming further entwined in another who really was no good for us. We weren't meant to be. We certainly weren't fixing each other-instead we were both causing more damage to the one we loved.

I knew al this yet I still lay in his arms because I knew I couldn't bear to move away. I had to stay there tucked under his arm though I knew I shouldn't be, though I knew that if I were looking out for My own (and his) best interests then I would be running away from him. But I stayed. I stayed and listened to his mumbled words of comfort. I think they were more for him than me. I had worked out a long time ago that it most certainly wasn't going to be "all right". He knew too. I took solace in hearing his voice; it soothed me. The voice I had waited to hear for ten years. The voice that in all logic it would really be best for me to never hear again as all Sirius seemed to do was remind of what could never be. But also the voice that I knew I would always be driven to like a moth to a flame. He was my love, my paradise, my everything yet we could never be anything. How terribly ironic.

So I lay with him and let his words of comfort wash over me and waited for morning to come and with it the pain and wrenching hurt of having to drag myself away from him forever.

Thank you very, very,very much for reading. Even though I have been such a pain and been so slow it would be really great if you would click that shiny new review button. Reviews are also a great incentive to get of my ass and write faster! (but I will be writing faster now, even if I don't get reviews, with these waiting times I don't really deserve them!)! Love (and thanks again), Rachel xxx.


	10. Chapter 10

**Trapped-Chapter 10**

Hey guys, thanks for all the reviews! That was the most reviewed chapter I've ever had and it was so encouraging to hear from you all. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review this, it means the world to me, truly. I know I've been a bit slow, sorry! I know I've been 3 weeks with this one but I have been really busy and this is my longest chapter (nearly 3000 words)! And I hope it really conveys all the emotion and feeling I wanted it to. I've also written a chapter plan for this story so I've got an outline of all chapters and can tell you that the story will be 17 chapters long. Now that I've written the outline I feel as though I'm heading towards a goal and will definitely finish this as I have a finalised ending. Sorry about how incredibly long this author's note is! Here's chapter 10….

He finally let himself succumb to sleep at about 4:30 AM. I stayed in his arms and watched him in his peaceful slumber. I felt completely comfortable just lying there in his arms. I would have rather liked to simply lie there forever watching the light of the moon cause his elegant features to look ethereal. His appearance was just as it had been the night he'd 'died'- I guess that was the magic of the veil; its victims didn't age or change at all while in its clutches. His hair was still a main of thick, glossy, ebony waves; his eyes were still almond orbs of such an intense grey colour that in the moonlight they appeared opalescent; his skin was still pale, his tattoos still served as a dark memory of what he had done and what he had lived; he still had a dark shadow of stubble growing over his jaw. He was still Sirius; still my Sirius. And at that moment in time he was more _my_ Sirius than ever before. His arm crossed tight across my body and for the first time in ten years I felt happy and I felt content. I was right where I wanted to be but not right where I was supposed to be or right where I should be. I knew that. I knew that in a couple of hours time I would have to scuttle off back to Ron and pretend that none of this had happened; pretend that I was none the wiser to Sirius's return-it would have been much to difficult to explain why I was in the Ministry of Magic in the early hours of the morning; pretend that I hadn't lain in his arms and felt the tug of love and connection in my heart that had always been there, always. I knew that I was probably also going to have to lie beside Ron in my bed before the blessed release with the ring of the alarm clock at dawn. But it would be different this time. This time I would be lying beside Ron with the knowledge that Sirius was only across the other side of London. I would also be lying next to Ron within hours of lying next to Sirius. I would be lying next to Ron with the knowledge that Sirius loved me. He _loved me._ And of course it didn't make everything better, it didn't mean that I could just get up and leave Ron. In fact in reality it made everything a whole lot worse- it meant that I was missing out on what could have been because I had made the ridiculous decision of marrying Ron. But it wasn't really worse, it was better, because I had Sirius now, I had his love even if I didn't in reality _have_ him in the slightest. And then at that moment, at 5 AM after watching Sirius sleep for half an hour, I allowed myself to sleep. I allowed my brain to switch off and simply drift into a dreamless sleep while enjoying the comfort of Sirius's chest as a pillow.

"Hermione, Sirius! Hermione!" Remus's voice urgently and coaxingly woke us the next morning.

I opened my eyes blearily seeing that I was indeed still lying with Sirius; it had not all been a dream. Remus's face loomed above us- a picture of panic and urgency while Sirius slept on with a look of peace settled across his elegant features. My first thought was one of relief and ecstasy- it wasn't a dream, Sirius really had returned and I really as with him. Then suddenly I realised that Remus had just rushed into the room seeing me asleep, head on Sirius's chest. I was humiliated. What would Remus think? While he knew that I loved Sirius, I was still married and to Ron- one of his friends. What would he think? And more importantly, why did he look so panic-stricken. It couldn't simply be that I had found Sirius and I asleep in his guest bedroom together, could it? No, something was wrong. Remus was desperately trying to wake Sirius up and pull me off the bed. I eventually pulled myself up, bleary eyed and confused. What was going on?

"Remus, Remus," I shouted as he forcefully shook Sirius awake.

"What are you doing? What's going on?" I questioned him as Sirius's eyelids finally began to open as he awoke.

"Ron," as soon as Remus uttered at that one syllable I could guess the rest of the story and understood the panic. "He's here. He wants to see you and Sirius. Hermione. You have to be ready. He can't guess anything. He's angry." Remus breathed heavily in between his words and panic was written across his face. I pulled at my hair and desperately tried to force my brain to wake up with my body. I had to be presentable. He couldn't guess anything. Not a thing.

Sirius had finally woken up as Remus explained what was happening, he was barely awake but even he has registered a look of panic at Remus's words. I had known that Ron and Sirius would have to meet sooner or later but surely not this soon. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for this collision of my two worlds. I couldn't face the paradox of my life symbolised in visual form as my husband, the man I was supposed to love met the man that I did love, the man who was supposed to have been dead for the past 10 years. The man who, only two days before, we had held a remembrance celebration for. It was all too surreal.

I sat down on the chair next to the bed that Sirius and I had lain together. I took a breath in of composure and got ready to bring out my Hermione Weasley persona. My eyes locked with Sirius's orbs and in that one look we were both agreed and prepared to lie. Remus sensed our agreement and stepped back out of the room to open the door. He still looked panic but slightly less so. I on the other hand felt even sicker than I had done when Remus had first informed me of what was going on. What were we going to do? I would ruin it. I knew I would. I couldn't face it; I couldn't see them meet, I couldn't have the ridiculousness of my life visualised. It was too hard. While Ron was away I could pretend he didn't exist and I could be Hermione Granger again who was free to do what she wasn't. But I was Hermione Weasley and she wasn't free at all, not in the slightest. I turned away from Sirius. I couldn't look at him. I knew that the moment that Ron walked through the door I would have to forget what had happened the night before, I would have to. And it was best to start now, to get into my character now. I heard Ron come towards our sanctuary. He clumsily walked through the hall while berating Remus on what had happened.

"What the fuck? Sirius! Bloody hell, he's dead. He's dead. We saw him die. You can't be right, can't be. Anyway what the fuck does that have to do with Hermione? She's my wife. Someone should have told me where she was."

I listened to Ron's words of frustration and disbelief. I knew it was understandable for him to be disbelieving, after all we all had thought Sirius dead but I couldn't help but hate him for saying it. I hated him for referring to me as his "wife". It was wrong and cruel of me but I couldn't help it; I needed someone to blame all my problems on and I'd chosen Ron. I felt so guilty for blaming him for the mess of my life when in reality it was my fault. All my fault. Just as Ron was about to open the door Sirius grabbed my hand and gave me such a piercing look from his intensely stormy grey eyes that I understood everything from the one glance. He was telling me that he loved me, that it would be ok. We'd get over this one hurdle and then all the other hurdles that would come into our way. I wished I could agree with him. But it was a comfort; a much needed comfort.

BANG.

And the door opened and in came Ron. I snatched my hand out of Sirius's clutch just in time but the proximity between the two of us when Ron opened the door must have looked suspect. Ron's face said it all. His manner had been indignant when he first entered the room- he must be right, there was no way that Sirius could have returned. No way. His look had then changed to that of surprise, confusion and suspicion. His face betrayed each and every one of his thoughts: How could Sirius be alive? It was impossible. And then he registered the scene in front of him; he saw hoe close Sirius and I, he saw my flustered face. And it was as though something registered in him; an alarm bell began to ring. I mean in reality there wasn't much to pinpoint in the scene and anything that was suspicious could easily be explained away- I was close to Sirius because I was checking on his medical condition; I was flustered because I couldn't believe that Sirius had returned. There were simple explanations to every implication of adulterous behaviour but I knew that while they would stand up against the evidence of what Ron had seen in the room that the atmosphere couldn't be so easily explained away. There was love there. Not neat love, not happy love, the sort of love that pulls your heart out and wrenches on it and makes you feel sick and ill; the kind of love that defies all sense and that you know isn't any good for you. It's ugly and it's possessive but it's needed and it becomes part of you. Ron sensed that. He sensed that there was something there between Sirius and I and there was nothing I could do about it.

He stood there for a full minute, no one moved and no one broke the silence. Sirius and I were waiting for Ron to take in what was happening. He wouldn't say anything about what he had sensed between Sirius and I- I knew that. He'd pretend that nothing had happened, that he'd imagined it. I knew Ron and I knew that that was how he would deal with the situation. He wouldn't be able to deal with it head on, it would break his world down and he couldn't do that. It had to keep going so he would pretend that nothing had happened. But he'd sensed it and however much he tried to convince himself that it was nothing at the back of his mind he would know what he had seen. And that was when I truly knew that our relationship would never be the same again. Everything had changed.

"Sirius…wow. I can't believe it. You're back. This is pretty bloody weird." Ron stuttered throw his first line of speech, trying to make everything normal. Well as normal as the situation would allow.

Sirius and I saw this as our cue to jump apart and I dutifully sat down on the seat next to the bed so as to pretend that nothing had happened but all three of us knew that it had. Al three of us.

"I know mate. I can't believe it myself. But hey, it's great to back. It's a different world now though I guess. I'll have to get used to everything again." Sirius replied, all three of us silently consenting to go along with the 'nothing happened' game.

"I've just been staying here to look after Sirius, Ron. He turned up here at Remus's house just as I was leaving the office and Remus sent me an owl asking me to come along. He really needed another pair of hands and obviously I couldn't say no. And when I got here it was just such chaos and Sirius was in such a state that he had is in a right state for a while. Sorry I didn't get in touch, I just completely forgot with everything going on." I lied to keep the evasion going and to make life easier. I couldn't answer any questions, not today.

"You could have told me. I was worried." Ron replied with an undertone of anger in his voice, the whole sentence was thick with resentment. He didn't look me in the eye. His head was down looking at the ground. Though Ron often initiated the 'nothing happened' game he wasn't very good at keeping his emotions under control.

I felt bad, the whole situation was my fault and I had hurt Ron. In effect I'd cheated on him. In effect I had committed adultery, I had spent the night lying beside another man. I felt ashamed and guilty. Whatever the situation Ron didn't deserve this. I knew that. I knew that the marriage wasn't really all his fault and however much I argued in my head that even so it was his fault that we couldn't split I knew that it was a faulty argument, I should never have married him. I knew it but yet I couldn't suppress the almighty joy. Sirius was back. He was here. And he loved me. Even if we could never be, he loved me.

"I'm sorry Ron." I replied with some genuine sincerity, I didn't want to hurt him.

"Yeah well, we better get going. Bye Sirius." Ron still didn't look up from the ground.

As Ron took my arm and gently pulled me out my chair Sirius gave me one more piercing look that said: I love you. I returned his stare and hoped he understood that I loved him and that I needed him.

"Bye mate, bye Hermione. See you soon I expect," Sirius called after us as we left the room.

Ron still didn't look at me as he guided me out of the house. I could sense his confusion, his hurt but I didn't say anything, it was best that way. What was there really that I could say? Besides Ron didn't want me to say anything, he wanted to continue pretending that nothing had happened even his manner and body language clearly showed that something had happened. We left the house without even saying goodbye to Remus or Tonks. I didn't comment. We remained in complete detached silence as we apparated home.

The moment we came into our living room I moved away from Ron and went up the stairs to our bedroom. He stayed standing in the middle of the room looking hurt, confused and vulnerable. I felt guilty and terrible but I couldn't suppress my joy at what had transpired between Sirius and I. I needed him and I'd waited so long. I didn't hurt Ron but…I didn't feel as though I could prevent it unless I never saw Sirius again and I knew that I couldn't bear that, I just couldn't. It sounds so selfish but as though my love for Sirius was a separate creature that wasn't a part of me, it just had control over my actions and I couldn't defy it. I couldn't. I needed him like a drug and now that I had him there was no way I could give him up. No way.

"Hermione. You know I love you, don't you." Ron called after me as I headed up the stairs.

I stopped in my tracks. What was I to say? What was I to do? He loved me. But I didn't love him, not in that way. I felt torn apart. I needed Sirius but by giving into my love, my addiction I was hurting Ron, my best friend. It was wrong and it was ugly but I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop Ron's hurt. I hoped he was lying. He couldn't love me, could he? I kept telling myself that, it was the only way that I could continue seeing Sirius and I couldn't give him up. I couldn't.

"Yeah I know Ron. I'm just going up to bed, I'm so tired." I evaded him- just I always did and would always have to from that moment on.

Thanks so much for reading this. The reviews are so, so special and always the best incentive to keep going I can get so please click that box! THANK YOU! Rachel xxx.


	11. Chapter 11

**Trapped-Chapter 11**

Hi guys, thanks so much once again for you support! And I'm sorry for the long wait, once again. I know it's been three weeks and I'm sorry. The festive season does seem to take over your life! Anyway, I hope you all had a great Christmas and I wish you a happy New Year! This chapter's another long one so I hope that makes up a wee bit for the long wait! Thanks again. Here it is…………….

I was changing. I could feel it in my body, in my heart and my very being. I was growing stronger. I was no longer weak, wilting, obedient, sweet little Hermione. My sense of self worth had returned, my life felt as though it was in my own hands again. In reality the opposite was true but in the first two weeks after Sirius's return I felt as though I finally had some control over my life. I no longer simply complied to and agreed with Ron, I did what _I_ wanted. I was no longer an appendage to him. In all honesty I felt guilty; of course I did, I was married yet I spent my day lusting after and thinking about another man. When Sirius and I were together there was an intensity in the air that was thick with our feelings for each other- a lingering look, the brushing of hands-nothing had happened; we hadn't been alone together since the night he had returned and yet I felt as though I knew him so intimately, as though we had been the closest of lovers and greatest of confidantes. There was tension and grace between Sirius and I-we both knew how the other felt, we both knew of the most secret of feelings that we each cherished for the other and it created a beauty, a connection in our relationship. I knew the others in the order could see it- those who knew us best: Remus, Harry, Ginny and Mrs Weasley-and the time I didn't spend thinking about Sirius I spent worrying about what they thought was going on between us, how they would judge us. But the truth was that I was past caring. I loved Sirius and now in a way I had him. He was too amazing, too mystifying for me to care about what the others were thinking of us. I loved him. And he loved me too, he really, really did. I was happier, I was ecstatic, but I was tiring- lingering looks, brief touches-I loved the newfound intimacy between the two of us but I wanted to be with Sirius. Truly be with him. I needed him but I couldn't have him because Ron was standing the way. I didn't know if I could do it. Could I embark on an affair with Sirius while I was still married to Ron? I wasn't sure. Ron and I had fought ever since Sirius had returned but in a way I was covering up my guilt for my feelings for Sirius- I took out all my pain and guilt on Ron; it was his fault that Sirius and I couldn't simply just be together. But of course it wasn't, it wasn't in the slightest. I had married him. And now I was hurting him and I felt awful and sick with myself but every time I saw Sirius those feelings were wiped away and all I could think and feel was that I loved Sirius, that he loved me and that we had to be together. We _had_ to be, fuck everyone else. But I couldn't, could I? Could I hurt Ron like that?

In actual fact I knew that I was already hurting Ron. He knew that things weren't right; he had sensed that there was something between Sirius and I and I could see that it was hurting him, tearing him apart. The problem was that Ron was also in on mine and Sirius's secret. He had sensed the connection between the two of us in Remus's house and his suspicions had only been clarified when he saw Sirius and I together at order meetings. We sat together and whispered; we stared wishfully at one another; and touched more than would be perceived as normal- in all honesty it must have been perfectly obvious to onlookers that not everything was strictly platonic between Sirius and I. Nobody said anything but their thoughts were easily clarified on their faces; Harry and Ginny looked uncomfortable; Molly Weasley furious and disapproving-I'd seen her take Ron aside to 'talk' to him and I was sure that it was only under her influence that she hadn't already 'had words' with Sirius and I; Remus was forever shooting as warning looks-he wasn't judging us, simply trying to look out for our best interests but we took no notice. When I was with Sirius I didn't think about anyone else outside of the pair of us- the guilt and anguish came later when I was trying to fall asleep in vain while Ron's snores seemed to grow louder and louder. I worried about what they thought, I genuinely did but at the end of the day it was Sirius I cared about. It was Sirius that I loved.

At 2 AM, two weeks after Sirius had returned I found myself sitting on the sofa at home waiting for Ron to return home. For once it was I that was waiting for _him_ to come home from work. I sat tensely, feet square on the floor, thumb staying resolutely in mouth. Where was he? All manner of desperately tragic scenes flashed before my eyes; Ron dead in a pool of blood, dark mark above his head; Ron being alerted to the deaths of the Weasley clan; and worst of all in my own disgustingly selfish mind, Ron telling the wizarding world of his adulterous wife. What would I do? He wouldn't, would he? Maybe I deserved it. No, I hadn't really _done_ anything, had I? Yes but you wanted to, didn't you Hermione, I thought. The sentiment was there, that's just as bad was the vicious answer in my head. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, was all I could reply to the cruel voices. I was sure that I was a terrible wife, a disgusting person. I couldn't help it. I loved him. I loved him so much. I wished that I could love Ron but the fact was that I couldn't, I just couldn't. And at that moment I felt as though I was going to have to pay for my sins. I'd be an outcast of the Order- who would take my side when I was an adulterer. Maybe even Sirius wouldn't even want me and I'd be alone, again.

BANG.

And there he was. He wasn't dead, hadn't discovered any dead loved ones and he had no triumphant look in his face to suggest he had spent the night spreading tales of my adultery. He looked sad. He looked a mess. He stood there in the doorway like a broken man- his hair was unwashed and looked too long as his fringe reached his eyes; his shirt was dirty and I realised that it was the same one he'd been wearing for the past three days; his eyes were blood shot, clearly he hadn't had enough sleep and, to my horror, looked as though they had shed tears; his chin was covered in stubble like a rash to signify his troubles; his very stance suggested that he was no longer the confident, carefree man he had been but a couple of weeks ago-his shoulders drooped and his eyes were to the carpet. I had done that to him. Sirius and I. We had torn Ron's life apart, pulled the carpet from underneath his feet. Suddenly he was faced with a wife who didn't love him and, worst of all, _did_ love another man. I had broken him. And here was the physical evidence right in front of my very eyes. I couldn't bear it. How could I have done that? Me. I'd broken his heart and then thrown it back in his face. It was awful and the deepest sense of guilt entered into my heart. I had been so selfish. I'd married him. And then as soon as Sirius returned I forgot about him and didn't care. I didn't care that I'd flirted and fallen in love with another man under his nose. I was sickening, disgusting. But I couldn't do anything. I couldn't give Sirius up. I'd love him since I was fifteen. How could I just drop him for Ron? How could I? It was wrong but I refused to do it. Yes it was my fault, a great deal of it was. But what had Ron ever really been for me? He never asked me what I felt, what I needed. I was simply a trophy to him, one that he had conquered. He only cared when it looked like he had lost his trophy, me. I was being cruel and unfair and putting undue blame on him but I couldn't face it, I couldn't face up to what I had done to Ron, one of my best friends. I was too in love with Sirius; he seemed like all that mattered. But then that is what love can be like; a disease which causes you to be all consumed by a person- they are your world, your very being and seem to be all you need, your happiness and indeed your life appear to depend on them; that was what Sirius was to me. That was why I decided at that moment that I didn't care about Ron anymore, I couldn't care about him, it hurt too much and I didn't want to have to confront those feelings, to have to face up to the fact that what I was doing was wrong.

"What the fuck are you doing Ron? It's three in the morning for fucks sake! Where have you been?" I questioned him angrily, I couldn't look him in the eye, I couldn't bear to face what I had done.

"I've been at work," he replied lamely in a monotone.

"It's three in the morning!" I pressed my point, still shouting to cover up my guilt.

"Don't give me shit about work Hermione. You sometimes don't even come home. Don't deny it. I wonder where you go, eh?" He walked closer to me, talking with spite. I felt fear rise in me for the first time since Sirius had returned.

"What are you trying to say?" They were the only words that fell from my lips as I watched his angry face come closer to mine. I knew exactly what he was trying to say but I also knew exactly what my simple words would do to him.

My words had the desired effect. He immediately stepped back from me in rage and a look of fury flashed across his face.

"You know exactly what I'm trying to fucking say. We're married! And you…you just don't even care about me anymore. You go about just…flirting with other guys. You and Black….you just, you're just mucking me around! It's not right. Why should I put up with it…you don't love me. It's obvious; you just flirt with him like I don't exist. He's only been back two weeks! It's disgusting. He's old enough to be your dad. You know that, don't you! It makes me sick. I don't even want you anymore. He's free to have you!"

It all spilled out of Ron's mouth, all the lies, all the deceit, everything. It was done. It was out on the table for both of us to see. He was hurt; I knew that. Underneath all the cruel, sharp words I'd broken his heart. But at the time I didn't care, how dare he! How dare he say that I was mucking him around! Maybe I did flirt with Sirius, maybe that wasn't right but did he _ever_ consider what he'd done? Did he ever think that he'd never really bothered to get to know me, that he never asked me how I felt? The only purpose I served to him was someone to shag every no and again. He didn't care about me; so maybe I hadn't done the right thing but neither had he, had he?

"Fuck you Ron. Fuck you! Who do you think you are? What about what you've done? You're not so fucking perfect yourself; you know that. You don't care about me. You never have!" I replied, desperately holding back the tears.

Once again he stepped closer to me but this time tenderness and guilt filled his eyes, not rage. I couldn't bear to look at him; I couldn't witness his apologies. I turned away from him.

"Hermione, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this. You never tell me what you want. I just don't know. And then with Sirius…I just sensed something or I don't know that's just what it looked like. Hermione, I love you. I just don't know what to do."

I felt sick to my stomach, I didn't want his apologies, I wanted him to be angry and horrible so that I could hate him, so that I could blame him.

Still not looking him in the eye I replied, "Maybe that's the problem, Ron. Surely one of us should know how to fix this. Look, I'm going to bed."

And so I left him standing there in the doorway and once again trudged up to our bedroom. I still couldn't look him in the eye. It was me that was in the wrong. I knew it and I couldn't bear it.

I woke up at 6 AM in the morning after only two hours of sleep. I looked over my shoulder and saw Ron asleep next to me. Suddenly I knew that I couldn't stay there in that bed. I had to move; I had to leave even if it was only for a couple of hours. I could tell Ron that I'd had to go into work even if we did supposedly have a deal not to work on Sundays. I mean, we'd had a deal to love each other forever so all in all I didn't think it would really matter if I broke another one. I couldn't stay in the house. It was completely filled with hate-most of it mine for myself. If I could escape from the house I felt trapped in then maybe for the couple of hours I was away then I could escape from the guilt that plagued me in my marital home. I wanted to get away from it all, away from the guilt. I wanted to be someone else, someone who hadn't broken their best friend's heart and wasn't in the midst of what was likely to become an affair with their other best friend's godfather.

And so I left the house and for the second time in two weeks I followed my feet and for the second time in two weeks my feet took me to him. Sirius had bought a new small, fashionable flat in central London (he said that Harry and Ginny could hang on to Grimmauld) and I found my feet leading me right to his hoe. Right back to where I shouldn't have been. I walked right back into the arms of Sirius even though I knew it was only going to hurt Ron and probably in the long term myself even more. I needed him and decided to forget about Ron and the future. I just had to be with him. I had to, even if it wasn't the right thing. He answered the door bleary eyed, it was only 6:30 AM and I'd clearly woken him up. When he saw it was me, his face firstly split into a massive dog-like grin before changing to a look of concern as he noticed my appearance. I hadn't bothered to get ready before leaving. I had simply shoved on my jacket over my pyjamas before leaving.

"Are you ok Hermione, love?" He asked gruffly.

Ok. I wasn't really ok at all but I simply nodded and then his hand was on my cheek and his grey orbs were once again meeting my brown eyes and I felt as though he was healing me, as though it didn't matter what was going on in my life because I had him and surely that was all that mattered, wasn't it? Suddenly his other hand reached for my other cheek and I moved my lips to his to initiate our first kiss as lovers. None of it mattered; fuck the lot of them; fuck the future; I was kissing Sirius Black. He loved me.

Thanks again, I hope you enjoyed this. Please leave a review, they inspire me to keep going and lighten up my day, they're **very** much appreciated! Thanks for reading, Rachel xxx.


	12. Chapter 12

**Trapped-Chapter 12**

Hi Guys, I'm really sorry that I haven't updated in over a month, I know that I haven't been updating very consistently in general, I'm very sorry about that too. I guess that a lot of people may have thought that I'd given up on this story but I haven't, I'm still keeping going (very slowly!). If I'm completely honest I was a bit disappointed in only getting 2 reviews for the last chapter but I understand that I did update just 2 days after Christmas and that a lot of people were very busy. I'm not going to start demanding a certain numbers of reviews or anything and I really don't want to sound unappreciative (I appreciate each review very much, trust me!). Anyway, enough babbling, here's chapter (Sirius POV which means present tense!) hope you enjoy it and sorry about the short length especially considering it's been over a month....

I open the door and there she stands, dishevelled, wearing just a jacket over her pyjamas but she's still beautiful. I watch the tears drip from her eyes and before I can even begin to consider how surreal it is to have Hermione standing at my door, crying at 6:30 in the morning I find that I'm kissing her. My lips are crushing against hers as we each relieve the pent up frustrations of 10 years apart, 10 years alone. She is my saviour, my guiding light and right now I need her more than ever. I pull her possessively to my chest and she simply complies with my action as we further explore and taste one another. And just as abruptly as it started our kiss ends as we stand holding each other. Even as her crying is muffled against my chest I can still feel Hermione shake as she continues to cry. I don't understand. What's wrong with her? We're finally together, finally. And yet she continues to cry. It doesn't make sense.

"Hermione, Hermione what's wrong?" I ask her gently as the tears still fall from her eyes.

She slowly pulls her head back from my body but while still remaining held in my arms. Her face blotched with the marks of tears that continue to leak from her eyes.

"It's...it's just that...that Ron came back tonight. And I just saw, and I realised...what we're doing to him. It's not right Sirius. I'm his wife."

She plays with the collar of my shirt as she explains her predicament. I can't take it. I don't want to hear it. Why should I? I don't care about Ron. How can she? Can't she see what he's done top her. He's been stepping down on her, controlling her for the last ten years, he's never cared about what she's wanted. I don't want to even consider that what we're doing is wrong when it feels so right. I love her. I've never loved anyone but her and I can't bear the idea that she feels as though she is doing wrong by being with me. She loves me. She said she did. How can it be wrong? How? I need her. I thought she needed me but now she seems to be pushing me away for Ron, bastard. Why does she care about _him?_ He doesn't matter. He's never been much of a husband to her so why should he deserve to have Hermione act like a real wife? He can't take her away from me. I need her. She's the only woman who's ever told me that she loves me. I can't go through being torn away from her again. Not now, when she's so close. I need her.

I leave her standing just outside my home as I turn away and walk inside while I contemplate what she's saying. How could she do this to me? How? I can't bear to look at her. She's just torn up all of my dreams that I nurtured over the ten years of hell that I went through to get back to her and now she's leaving me for some wanker who she doesn't love. It's not fair. Why do I always seem to end up on my own every single time? She said she loved me. She said she needed me. She led me on. And one again I'm left to go on by myself with no-one there to pick up the pieces as they're too busy defending the sham of a marriage between _my _angel, _my_saviour, _my_ love and a stupid boy who doesn't appreciate her, who doesn't understand how fucking lucky he is. If it were me I'd cherish her; thank my lucky stars for being with her; and tell her that I loved her every single day. It's not fair. _I _love her, _I_ need her.

"Sirius, Sirius. Why are you leaving me?" She asks, standing alone in the doorway of my flat.

I force myself to turn round and look her in the eye, even though I'm now very much aware of my one tears falling from my own eyes. When my eyes fall on her I see the truth; she looks so small and vulnerable standing in the huge entrance to my home. She's clad in only pyjamas and a jacket with her bushy hair curling and waving wildly down beyond her shoulders. Her dark eyes express the deep set emotions of anguish and helplessness that she's been feeling for longer than she cares to remember. My beautiful angel. She's standing there, watching me walk away from her and leave her with nothing.

"I thought it was you leaving me, going back to Ron." I reply hoarsely, looking her directly in the eye.

"I'm not leaving you Sirius, never. I'm just stuck and I don't know what to do. When I'm here with you I feel as though everything's ok and there's nothing wrong with what we're doing but the moment I get home and I see Ron's defeated face, see what we're, _I'm_, doing to him I just feel as though I can't do it anymore. It feel as though what we're doing is wrong, I love you, but he loves me and this is killing him and however good this feels; I can't bear to watch what this is doing to him." It all comes pouring out from her mouth as though she's letting out every secret pain, feat and thought she's ever had.

I don't want to hear it though; us being together is good and I can't bear to hear her say otherwise, I need her to be there for me. I love her and the idea that she feels anything but happiness in being with me kills me. I don't care about Ron. He hurt her, he's not part of this; this is about Hermione and I. This relationship and love has completely consumed me, it is what I need to carry on living and I can feel nothing but hatred for anyone who threatens to come between Hermione and I. Can't she see that all that matters is that the two of us are together? If we have each other than nothing else is important, least of all Ron Weasley. Am I jealous of him? I guess so. He's had the honour of calling Hermione his wife and I hate him for not understanding what an honour that is.

I walk towards her and place both my hands on her cheeks, desperately trying to stop the tears from falling from her eyes. I take her in my embrace. She fits perfectly against my chest and under my chin; if I could have my way then we would simply stay together in this way forever. That way I would never have to worry about losing her, losing the what is sustaining me. I'm chasing this love so feverishly because with Hermione I've finally find someone who accepts me, loves me, for who I am. Not for the playboy image that I projected in my youth. I've never been truly loved. Not by my family, not by a girlfriend. Only by my friends and I managed to lose James and Peter forever, only Remus remains. I'm afraid. I'm desperately scared that somewhere along the line I'm going to lose Hermione, something bad will happen. But I need her and I won't let her go, I won't let this go, especially not for a stupid bastard like Ron Weasley who Hermione shouldn't be wasting her sympathy on.

"Hermione, why do you care about him? He's caused you nothing but grief. I love you. I need you. Forget about him. He's not important." I whisper the words of comfort in her ear hoping with all my might that she will listen and follow my words.

She doesn't move from my arms but simply looks up at me and says: "I'm not leaving you Sirius and I do love you, so much. But...but you have to understand how hard it is and how stuck I feel."

"You're not stuck. Come and stay here with me, I'll make it all better for you. Ron doesn't matter. People will forget."

"Sirius, that's not true and you know it. People will remember and they'll hate me for it. You can't make it better. You can't."

"Hermione, I _love_ you, of course I can make it better."

"And I love you too but that doesn't mean that you can make it all go away Sirius. Just because we love each other it doesn't meant that all the problems, all the issues, all the obstacles are going to disintegrate."

"Doesn't it?"

This time I don't let her answer. I don't want to hear the truth. I just want to believe that our love can conquer all and that nothing else matters and nothing can spoil it. So I kiss her again. And take her in my arms and into my home. We spend the whole day together, kissing, touching, making love. I don't let her remember Ron. I don't let her think about anything or anyone that could possibly stop us from being together. And for today I think that I managed to stop her thinking and to make her believe (even if it was only for a couple of hours) that everything would be ok. It will be. Nothing can come between us. I won't let it.

Thanks so much for reading, hope you enjoyed it. This chapter was intended to show some of the flaws in Sirius's character as, though I love him dearly, I often feel he is portrayed as being unbelievably perfect. Please leave a review...they mean a hell of a lot! Thanks again, Rachel xxx.


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